The very first parenting book I read was Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. I read this book during the summer of 2010. It was my first literary introduction to positive discipline and I did learn a lot of the basic information although I decided the book wasn't for me.
Positive Discipline is basically letting the children make their own mistakes and then figure out ways to solve them. We help our children by remaining positive and encouraging as these mistakes are made. An example would be a child starts throwing a temper tantrum and we would not start yelling, spanking or negotiating with the child to stop the situation. Instead we would remove ourselves from the child or remove the child to a different location where no one else will be. This procedure quickly teaches the child that when they act a way we don't approve, we will not remain around them, ultimately stopping or significantly reducing the temper tantrums.
In Jane Nelson's book, they have family meetings, lots of them. I was reading this book when Max had turned two years old and Rory had not even celebrated her first birthday. It was a good starting point for introducing positive discipline, but it required my children to be quite a bit older and so I never put all of their suggestions to use.
The next parenting book I picked up was called Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline in the winter of 2011. This book has been talked about and suggested numerous times on many different social media outlets I use and once I picked it up it really intrigued me. The book starts out by explaining the reasons positive discipline is considered the best way to raise a child. They use a bit of a scare tactic to make their points but sometimes I think we just need to hear that. In their reasoning, if we don't let our kids ride their bikes too fast down a hill and take a fall they may not learn the self control for later in life to not drive their car too fast down the freeway. In this example, if we let our kids fall and get hurt, maybe even break an arm or get stitches, we'll be helping them because if they go speeding down a freeway and lose control of the car, death is more likely then some bruising and scrapes.
This book really took me to a new level of understanding how positive discipline works. A good portion of the book is setup to have everyday life examples of things our children do that we don't approve of, like not getting dressed in time to leave for school, and then it gives examples of how we can positively handle the situation. The goal of positive discipline, which was explained much more clearly in this book, was for us not to outright punish our children but instead to help them realize on their own that the thing they are or are not doing isn't going to work. If we punish our children they will not learn why we don't want them to do something but instead will just learn they get in trouble for doing it, and worse yet, may find ways to deliberately disobey us. They can't disobey themselves when they realize it's their own problem.
In Foster Cline's book they have a parenting plan that you are supposed to follow. It starts out with you making some sort of sympathetic statement whenever they do something they are not supposed to and then following through with an action. As an example, if they miss the bus because they were not ready, you could say, "What a bummer!" (No sarcasm, no degrading - honest sympathy.) Then you can suggest ways the child could get to school. Riding their bike, walking, paying you to give them a ride. Just throwing them in the car and lecturing them isn't going to work. You child could decide that the lecture is worth not having to rush for the bus every morning and you end up becoming an unknowing chauffeur, hence making them pay you whether in money or toys that you deem appropriate for the child. This once again puts the problem in the child's hands and gives them a way to learn from the mistake on their own.
We attempted Parenting with Love and Logic's parenting plan for two weeks, I even looked into finding one of their trained coaches, and then realized that I wasn't ready to completely commit to their plan. Mainly from my own shortcomings which I'll discuss about at the end of this summary.
I really enjoyed this book as it brought a better understanding of positive discipline to me. I especially enjoyed it's chapter on spanking. They do not encourage spanking, but they had in previous versions of the book. They went into a very frank and clear discussion about why they and the vast majority of child psychologists and pediatricians no longer encourage physical punishment and the studies and reasons behind this change. Dusty and I do not spank our children, hence all this reading on new parenting techniques, and it was pretty cool to hear an author admit to their past encouragement and give the reasons behind their new stance.
As Rory gets older she is becoming a bit more to handle then her brother. Basically she would be classified as a strong willed child. She doesn't respond very well to punishments nor does she seem to really care if you give her encouragement. She pretty much just wants to do her own thing whether you mind or don't. So I visited with our pediatrician and she suggested I pick up 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan.
This was the first positive discipline book I didn't really enjoy. I'm sure some of it had to do with all the repetition from the previous other two books but it also disagreed a lot with Parenting with Love and Logic which frustrated me as I didn't want to have to choose which way was better.
1-2-3 Magic explains that their are two different sets of behaviors, there are stop behaviors and start behaviors. This I found to be genius information and wish I would have picked up on sooner! Basically, when you want a child to stop doing something, usually it won't take more then a moment for the child to actually stop doing whatever it is you want them to do. These situations are easier to handle and with 1-2-3 Magic, you can count to three giving them the warning that if they don't stop by three there will be some sort of consequence. In order to maintain positive discipline though, you can only count to three and you cannot discuss it or make any gestures that would lead the child to believe they have upset you.
In Parenting with Love and Logic, they strongly encourage you not to give a child more then one warning as counting encourages a child to hold out longer in defiance of you, and in real life situations we rarely get a warning before a problem is going to occur.
With start behaviors, these are situations where we want a child to start doing something, like making their bed, or getting ready for school, and these situations require more then a moment to start and complete, so counting to three isn't going to work. With start situations there were many, many similarities with how we could use positive discipline to get our children to do what we want them to do without outright punishing them. Like the example above regarding missing the school bus.
As I was reading this book a month ago, I put a call out on my Facebook wall asking if anyone had book suggestions as I felt like I was hitting a brick wall on positive discipline. I didn't really like the parenting plan in Parenting with Love and Logic, my children were too young for family meetings in Positive Discipline, and I wasn't completely sold on giving my children the count of three for warnings as suggested in 1-2-3 Magic.
That was when I was introduced to Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs and Vicki Soltz. This has been my favorite book of all the positive discipline books so far. The book I had from the library was copy-written in 1964. I believe there is a newer addition but I don't think I needed that one to enjoy it. This book really went much more in depth with descriptions and examples of how we can handle our children using positive discipline. I'm assuming it was still a pretty new concept when it was first written as it makes many references to Dr. Adlers who I understand to be one of the first psychologists to study and promote positive discipline. (I could totally be wrong here, he's been made reference to in a few of my readings but I haven't actually looked up his biography to confirm this assumption.)
There are examples in this book that just wouldn't be written these days. There are a lot more references to slapping, hitting, beating and berating a child then I had read in any of the other books or articles I've touched. It was a bit of fresh air as I'm sure I'm not the only parent who's gotten so upset they've envisioned slapping their child into submission. (No, I've never followed through with those thoughts.) There was also a reference about making a child go and get your cigarettes! It was used as an example of how parents can boss children around which is not OK, but it was still funny.
Dreikurs and Soltz's book did not have a parenting plan in it, it was a lot like Parenting with Love and Logic, but had far more examples and solutions in a story telling format as opposed to Love and Logic's short little chapters on different situations.
So after finishing this book and discussing the different techniques with Dusty, (He, by the way, watched both videos put out by Parenting with Love and Logic and 1-2-3 Magic. He isn't much of a reader but thankfully he was willing to watch the videos instead.) we have decided to do a combination of parenting techniques which really ends up being very similiar to the suggestions of 1-2-3 Magic, go figure I'd end up going with the book I liked least of all!
For stop situations, when we want the children to stop what they are doing, we are using 1-2-3 Magic's suggestions and counting for the children. This does seem to work really well at stopping them from continuing a behavior we are not OK with. Putting them in timeouts goes pretty smoothly most of the time as they know why they are in trouble and we don't discuss it while they are going in there or after they come out. If we want to address an issue we can bring it up at a different time when we all can talk about the behavior without getting emotionally charged.
For start situations, when we want the children to start doing something, we're following all the suggestions we've read/watched, and figuring out creative ways to let the children learn that they must do certain things even if they are unpleasant. Now, our children are still young, so an example of this would be that if Rory doesn't get her shoes on in time for us to leave to pick up Maxwell from school, I will load her into the car without them and then she can't come into the preschool to pickup Max. I realize, for some parents, leaving a child in the car while you run into preschool just isn't feasible. In fact, a lot of suggested solutions don't work for us. (Like having a babysitter on hand in case they don't get ready to go, we can just leave without them and they will have to "pay" the babysitter for being there.) That's part of the creativity required from Dusty and I.
It can get exhausting, and I admit that positive discipline is really hard for me as I'm pretty emotional and it's hard to cover that up on my face when I'm upset with the kids. This is where I admit my own faults in following through with Love and Logic's parenting plan. Another annoying part is that I can't just sit there and repeat over and over the same directions for my kids to do. I actually have to get up and make them follow through or remove them from the situation. Try doing that numerous times a day and not showing your kids how annoyed and tired you are getting!
But I'm getting there. I feel far more prepared for unexpected situations after all my research, I'm still reading articles and other literature to keep it fresh in my mind, and if all else fails, Parenting with Love and Logic has a toll free phone number you can call! I've only used it once but it was so nice to have someone on the phone giving me suggestions on how to handle a situation.
And when the children get older we may change things up. All of the books suggested family meetings. Not as regularly as Positive Discipline did, but at least weekly. I think I will try that out in another year or two. That way we can let the kids work on solving their own problems. Having all four of us come to the table and discuss how to make all our lives easier sounds really appealing to me!
So, thanks for reading this if you did, it's a lot, I know, but it has been really helpful putting it all down on the screen. Just proof reading it has been therapeutic as all my thoughts are neatly ordered in one place instead of jumbling all over each other in my mind. And if you were to ask me which book I'd suggest you'd read, I wouldn't be able to tell you. While we are following most closely with 1-2-3 Magic, I really think both Children: The Challenge and Parenting with Love and Logic were extremely insightful books and I would not be as confident in our decision had I not read all of these. Maybe check out some of the DVD's instead to save some time?
As Rory gets older she is becoming a bit more to handle then her brother. Basically she would be classified as a strong willed child. She doesn't respond very well to punishments nor does she seem to really care if you give her encouragement. She pretty much just wants to do her own thing whether you mind or don't. So I visited with our pediatrician and she suggested I pick up 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan.
This was the first positive discipline book I didn't really enjoy. I'm sure some of it had to do with all the repetition from the previous other two books but it also disagreed a lot with Parenting with Love and Logic which frustrated me as I didn't want to have to choose which way was better.
1-2-3 Magic explains that their are two different sets of behaviors, there are stop behaviors and start behaviors. This I found to be genius information and wish I would have picked up on sooner! Basically, when you want a child to stop doing something, usually it won't take more then a moment for the child to actually stop doing whatever it is you want them to do. These situations are easier to handle and with 1-2-3 Magic, you can count to three giving them the warning that if they don't stop by three there will be some sort of consequence. In order to maintain positive discipline though, you can only count to three and you cannot discuss it or make any gestures that would lead the child to believe they have upset you.
In Parenting with Love and Logic, they strongly encourage you not to give a child more then one warning as counting encourages a child to hold out longer in defiance of you, and in real life situations we rarely get a warning before a problem is going to occur.
With start behaviors, these are situations where we want a child to start doing something, like making their bed, or getting ready for school, and these situations require more then a moment to start and complete, so counting to three isn't going to work. With start situations there were many, many similarities with how we could use positive discipline to get our children to do what we want them to do without outright punishing them. Like the example above regarding missing the school bus.
As I was reading this book a month ago, I put a call out on my Facebook wall asking if anyone had book suggestions as I felt like I was hitting a brick wall on positive discipline. I didn't really like the parenting plan in Parenting with Love and Logic, my children were too young for family meetings in Positive Discipline, and I wasn't completely sold on giving my children the count of three for warnings as suggested in 1-2-3 Magic.
That was when I was introduced to Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs and Vicki Soltz. This has been my favorite book of all the positive discipline books so far. The book I had from the library was copy-written in 1964. I believe there is a newer addition but I don't think I needed that one to enjoy it. This book really went much more in depth with descriptions and examples of how we can handle our children using positive discipline. I'm assuming it was still a pretty new concept when it was first written as it makes many references to Dr. Adlers who I understand to be one of the first psychologists to study and promote positive discipline. (I could totally be wrong here, he's been made reference to in a few of my readings but I haven't actually looked up his biography to confirm this assumption.)
There are examples in this book that just wouldn't be written these days. There are a lot more references to slapping, hitting, beating and berating a child then I had read in any of the other books or articles I've touched. It was a bit of fresh air as I'm sure I'm not the only parent who's gotten so upset they've envisioned slapping their child into submission. (No, I've never followed through with those thoughts.) There was also a reference about making a child go and get your cigarettes! It was used as an example of how parents can boss children around which is not OK, but it was still funny.
Dreikurs and Soltz's book did not have a parenting plan in it, it was a lot like Parenting with Love and Logic, but had far more examples and solutions in a story telling format as opposed to Love and Logic's short little chapters on different situations.
So after finishing this book and discussing the different techniques with Dusty, (He, by the way, watched both videos put out by Parenting with Love and Logic and 1-2-3 Magic. He isn't much of a reader but thankfully he was willing to watch the videos instead.) we have decided to do a combination of parenting techniques which really ends up being very similiar to the suggestions of 1-2-3 Magic, go figure I'd end up going with the book I liked least of all!
For stop situations, when we want the children to stop what they are doing, we are using 1-2-3 Magic's suggestions and counting for the children. This does seem to work really well at stopping them from continuing a behavior we are not OK with. Putting them in timeouts goes pretty smoothly most of the time as they know why they are in trouble and we don't discuss it while they are going in there or after they come out. If we want to address an issue we can bring it up at a different time when we all can talk about the behavior without getting emotionally charged.
For start situations, when we want the children to start doing something, we're following all the suggestions we've read/watched, and figuring out creative ways to let the children learn that they must do certain things even if they are unpleasant. Now, our children are still young, so an example of this would be that if Rory doesn't get her shoes on in time for us to leave to pick up Maxwell from school, I will load her into the car without them and then she can't come into the preschool to pickup Max. I realize, for some parents, leaving a child in the car while you run into preschool just isn't feasible. In fact, a lot of suggested solutions don't work for us. (Like having a babysitter on hand in case they don't get ready to go, we can just leave without them and they will have to "pay" the babysitter for being there.) That's part of the creativity required from Dusty and I.
It can get exhausting, and I admit that positive discipline is really hard for me as I'm pretty emotional and it's hard to cover that up on my face when I'm upset with the kids. This is where I admit my own faults in following through with Love and Logic's parenting plan. Another annoying part is that I can't just sit there and repeat over and over the same directions for my kids to do. I actually have to get up and make them follow through or remove them from the situation. Try doing that numerous times a day and not showing your kids how annoyed and tired you are getting!
But I'm getting there. I feel far more prepared for unexpected situations after all my research, I'm still reading articles and other literature to keep it fresh in my mind, and if all else fails, Parenting with Love and Logic has a toll free phone number you can call! I've only used it once but it was so nice to have someone on the phone giving me suggestions on how to handle a situation.
And when the children get older we may change things up. All of the books suggested family meetings. Not as regularly as Positive Discipline did, but at least weekly. I think I will try that out in another year or two. That way we can let the kids work on solving their own problems. Having all four of us come to the table and discuss how to make all our lives easier sounds really appealing to me!
So, thanks for reading this if you did, it's a lot, I know, but it has been really helpful putting it all down on the screen. Just proof reading it has been therapeutic as all my thoughts are neatly ordered in one place instead of jumbling all over each other in my mind. And if you were to ask me which book I'd suggest you'd read, I wouldn't be able to tell you. While we are following most closely with 1-2-3 Magic, I really think both Children: The Challenge and Parenting with Love and Logic were extremely insightful books and I would not be as confident in our decision had I not read all of these. Maybe check out some of the DVD's instead to save some time?
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