Today I have been a stay at home mom for a year. It's a bitter-sweet marker for me to be honest. I thought by now I'd be enjoying it more then I currently am.

The perks are pretty obvious. I'm with my children all day, we don't have to worry about taking a day off to go and do fun things and we can be spontaneous, taking off at a moment's notice if we so desire. I'm less stressed when it comes to my children and my home as I don't have 9 hours of work and travel to worry about before making doctor's appointments, meal planning, meal preparing, or everyday housework. We've also been very fortunate that financially this has worked out in our favor.. I mean, that's pretty awesome in it's self, we're thriving as a one income family.

The adjustment period is over, this much I know is true, the issues I have are all my own and something I have to deal with. It's all those perks that make the negatives really stick out for me.

Being with my children all day? Great. Except that my patience wears thin faster then I'd like. Answering 1400 questions before 8am, tough. Playing the same game 4 times in an hour, boring. Figuring out fun activities that aren't going to cost a lot of money, draining.

Being able to take off whenever we feel like sounds amazing. Except there is no such thing as just taking off with two toddlers. First, if I'm totally honest, I don't do spontaneity all that well. If we get past that there are the diapers, snacks, proper clothing, nap schedules and lots of other things that I need to worry about before we can leave. Not to mention that my kids need my help getting all their gear on, coats, hats, boots, you name it. If I said, "Let's go to the zoo right now!" I would not be able to get us out of the house for at least 40 minutes, which yes is not a lot of time but it's a frantic 40 minutes with arguments and flaring tempers because we're all feeling rushed. Planning and spontaneity don't exactly go hand in hand.

Being home and having time to clean the house, do laundry and tidy has been really nice buy my house is more of a mess now then it was when I worked full time. My kids are also in this house full time now which means they too should get to have toys and games out to play with. Doing chores always requires extra work whether I'm finding a safe activity for them while I scrub bathrooms, or figuring out a way to get them involved. And let's not mention how quickly my house has deteriorated with two wild toddlers on the loose. Dents, scratches, chips, you can find all of those in my walls currently. So much for that beautiful and organized home I had envisioned.

And while we've been very fortunate to have this work out financially for us it means bargain shopping. I rarely buy a new outfit for anyone in our home now. Consignment shops and discount stores are where we mainly shop now and we rarely buy anything we want only what we need. This means that the kids get clothes when they need them, if they move up a size or if the seasons are changing, and since Dusty and I aren't changing sizes we only get a couple pieces a year. Now don't get me wrong, it isn't like I was a fashionista prior to this life change, but I sure do miss walking into a store, seeing something I like and that looks good on  and buying it. That just doesn't happen. In fact, I don't own any sweatpants and can't justify buying them since I don't need them. A stay at home mom without sweatpants? So unfair!

The last part is the hardest part, and that's loosing adult conversations. It's been extremely hard for me to adjust to only having Dusty for a real conversation every day. Especially when he's not home every night and while he deserves time away from his family too, it's hard not to take it personal when I'm already so desperate for conversation. I have great friends and family that I talk to pretty regularly but it isn't the same as being in an office 5 days a week for 8 or more hours. It's just not, and there is really no way to remedy that without neglecting my kids.

But I'm not having a pity party over here, contrary to what you just read, while I struggle with this I also take the blessings too. I'm so very  thankful for these three people and everything they give me, even if it isn't always what I expected or planned.